Synopsis
Baz Vartis (late 20s) longs for detective work or firearms but the Smith & Wesson he’s issued with is the S&W
Tactical Mountain Bicycle – joining Britain’s new breed of cycling bobbies.
He battles both the absurdities of politically correct policing (e.g. at “why I hate the police” meetings with the
public) and criminals who see him as fair game for ridicule and assaults. Meanwhile, riots and disorder break
out on London’s streets.
At home his overbearing, alcoholic, mum Bernice keeps him in her unhealthy grasp, soaping him at bath
time. He’d like to forge a relationship with Val Stone, a formidable cycling Woman Police Constable. But dare
he walk out on crazy mum?
Then a head injury inflicted by one of the rioters causes a seismic shift in Baz’s persona. He becomes a
vigilante who kills according to strict rules: criminals caught within certain postcodes, when apprehended by
Baz, are offered the choice of arrest or death. Starting with the rioter who attacked him, Baz embarks on a
reign of terror, in which the lack of protestations by criminals too stunned, confused, or drunk to argue are
taken as consent by Baz, who dispatches them in a number of blackly comic ways.
On social networks, Baz builds up thousands more “Likes” for each killing. With simple precautions, Baz
keeps his identity anonymous and untraceable. At last, the cycling bobby who was a figure of fun (and such a
disappointment to his mum) is now an all powerful phenomenon dispensing justice to scumbags. It’s
becoming quite heady for Baz, as he issues his latest pronouncement, Banksy style, voice disguised and
face blanked out.
Soon, however, the deepening urge to apply his law leads to shorter and shorter intervals between killings.
And Baz’s private life turns precarious as Val finds herself falling in love with him. He fears sex as he is
impotent; while she at first knows nothing of his murders. Moreover, Maya, a trafficked waif whom he
rescues, is brought into the ménage at home, sending mother Beatrice into a jealous spin.
Nemesis arrives when a Goth, a young thief who (wrongly) believes Baz has murdered his rich aunt and
stolen his inheritance, tracks Baz down, bursts into the home with a weapon. He discovers that Baz is the
“May I Kill You” killer whom he had hitherto been a fan of on Twitter. The Goth, a failure in all he has done, is
in thrall to Baz, but determined to find the money and loot.
During the course of the night, it emerges that Maya has shot WPC Val when she came to confront Baz on
suspicion of murder, and that Baz has strangled his mother - having discovered her criminal record and her
intent to report him if Maya is not ejected. Baz has kept the murder a secret from both Maya and the Goth,
who assume she’s nodded off drunk.
After police storm the house, the Goth is convicted for the murders of Val and Bernice, while Baz gets
another knock on the head and amnesia – but also, promotion to firearms. From prison, the Goth at last
becomes a somebody via the internet, proclaiming himself as the May I Kill You killer with inside knowledge
only the perp or police could possess, as media deals pour in.